So it has been some time since I posted (again) and when I returned here I saw the name of this blog and thought "dear Lord what was I thinking". The name strikes me as rather pretentious and that is odd since I have never really viewed myself in that context. I would change that name but I don't know how. So for now I will leave it as it is.
Not that I believe that anyone will find my facing life any more or less difficult than them facing life I guess at the time I was a bit overwhelmed with all that had happened and is still happening but now the overwhelm part is quite a bit less. I am learning to navigate this strange new land of "sick". (laughing)
While not as much fun as my old life, I find humor in most of the situations I have found myself in lately. I am also gratified and humbled and a lot of other things but the humor is the thing that is sustaining me right now.
Yesterday, I woke up to red pee. Red I tell you. Not yellow or orange or any derivative of the yellow red combination but simply red.
Anyone guess what caused the red? Hmmmm lemme think. Needless to say, I have a UTI (note the pretentious medical professional terminology). For those not in the know, a UTI is a urinary tract infection. Let me tell you ........ what fun this little excursion was/is.
There were literally screams coming from my bathroom yesterday as the tiny little organisms chewed on my well you know. I, of course, thought I was dying. So after I hyperventilated and called the doctor and went for blood and pee tests. They calmly tell me it is a UTI. I feel obligated to use that terminology having lived the dream. So it has been about 24 hours and I have meds and the infection is dying even as we speak.
Some of the information is just a little too graphic for here. Heck it was too graphic for me and I was living it. Suffice it to say that WOW let's not do that again, okay?
Other than that things are going along rather ummm smoothly is not the word but we will use it anyway. I feel okay other than the terror of the UTI and am going for my fourth chemo tomorrow.
More about that later.....you know......after it has happened :)
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Some people
Early on when I first found out about the cancer, I knew that at some point I would be unable to work. Being eligible for full medical disability was a dead giveaway for me. I decided that I would work for as long as I could and sock away as much extra money as I could for the interim period waiting for the benefits to kick in. Also I thought that working was a much better alternative to sitting at home brooding. Too much time in my head has never been a good thing for me and now it seemed even more so a bad idea.
The problem with my little game plan was that my normal salary was not paying the bills adequately even prior to the added burden of the cancer. What little savings I may have had were depleted trying to stay ahead of the debtors. You see my income had been frozen three years ago and had also dropped because my employer in an effort to reduce costs was now paying 65% of the cost of medical benefits.
The option of finding a part time job was not available to me because I am on call 24/7. Also I was working 7 days a week. In 2010, I worked from July 4th until Thanksgiving Day with maybe 3 days off. I had scheduled and cancelled my vacation (several times) because it simply was not the best thing for the store for me to be gone.
The company requires vacation to be used prior to the next year's vacation time accrual. Which means that with my June 23rd anniversary date, the 2 weeks vacation from the prior year had to be used prior to that date or you lose it. On June 23rd, I still had 6 days of vacation that I lost.
When the cancer was found, my boss went to the owner of the company and explained this situation to him asking if it would be possible for me not to lose the vacation, the answer was to the effect of "real sorry about her situation but if I make an exception for her I will have to make it for everyone".
Now I have worked for this company for 8 years and to my knowledge no other employee has had this particular type of situation but whatever.
Now remember, I am trying to survive cancer here with as little disruption to my store and life as possible. I know from being me all this time that I do not do well when I worry about bills. No one does I am sure but I have known people who while their situation may be worse than mine they do not show the same signs of wear and tear about money.
My boss had asked the owner at the time that he denied her request to give me my vacation if the stores (there are 7 in the chain) could put up donation jars. You have seen them I am sure, money jars for spare change for donations to help whomever might be in need.
Since I was not privy to this conversation I can only say that I was told that he said it would be okay. Now all I had to do was get the jars, get the account to put the money in and so forth.
It took me until this past Monday to get this all squared away. Some of the stores took it upon themselves to get their own jars and start the ball rolling. They were just waiting for the where do we put this money answer.
I went to the bank on Monday and opened an account and gave the information to my boss. Now remember I opened the account on MONDAY, right?
On Tuesday, we (the managers and several other people from the main office) were scheduled to attend a seminar on, of all things, a customer loyalty program. I stress the word loyalty.
Minutes before the seminar was to start my boss pulls me aside and tells me that the owner of the company told her on MONDAY afternoon that he wanted the change jars taken down. Didn't want anything to do with it. Not sure why still do not have any answer to that but have stopped asking why about most things.
I was stunned. I mean why say yes then no. Why decide no the very day that I waste my precious time opening the account. Why not say no from the start. Oh yeah, that is right I have stopped asking why, right?
Keeping right in line with Alanis Morrisette (sorry if i did not spell that right) the truly ironic part of this is that I am scheduled for Wednesday and Thursday to do a new employee training class. Even as I type that the irony just about knocks me on the floor.
Since today is Thursday, it is obvious that I have completed one day of the class. Let me tell you what I know at this point.
In doing the class I realized that I truly like the job that I do. I like my employees. I like the customers. I like most of the vendors. I like what I do. There is such diversity to the job that it keeps me challenged.
I had already decided that my goal for the store is to get it fully staffed, fully trained and to get the 2 people fully trained who will take over the management of the store when I leave. Those goals despite the events of earlier this week remain in place.
Anyway this is where I am at today. One step ..... one day ...... then repeat.
The problem with my little game plan was that my normal salary was not paying the bills adequately even prior to the added burden of the cancer. What little savings I may have had were depleted trying to stay ahead of the debtors. You see my income had been frozen three years ago and had also dropped because my employer in an effort to reduce costs was now paying 65% of the cost of medical benefits.
The option of finding a part time job was not available to me because I am on call 24/7. Also I was working 7 days a week. In 2010, I worked from July 4th until Thanksgiving Day with maybe 3 days off. I had scheduled and cancelled my vacation (several times) because it simply was not the best thing for the store for me to be gone.
The company requires vacation to be used prior to the next year's vacation time accrual. Which means that with my June 23rd anniversary date, the 2 weeks vacation from the prior year had to be used prior to that date or you lose it. On June 23rd, I still had 6 days of vacation that I lost.
When the cancer was found, my boss went to the owner of the company and explained this situation to him asking if it would be possible for me not to lose the vacation, the answer was to the effect of "real sorry about her situation but if I make an exception for her I will have to make it for everyone".
Now I have worked for this company for 8 years and to my knowledge no other employee has had this particular type of situation but whatever.
Now remember, I am trying to survive cancer here with as little disruption to my store and life as possible. I know from being me all this time that I do not do well when I worry about bills. No one does I am sure but I have known people who while their situation may be worse than mine they do not show the same signs of wear and tear about money.
My boss had asked the owner at the time that he denied her request to give me my vacation if the stores (there are 7 in the chain) could put up donation jars. You have seen them I am sure, money jars for spare change for donations to help whomever might be in need.
Since I was not privy to this conversation I can only say that I was told that he said it would be okay. Now all I had to do was get the jars, get the account to put the money in and so forth.
It took me until this past Monday to get this all squared away. Some of the stores took it upon themselves to get their own jars and start the ball rolling. They were just waiting for the where do we put this money answer.
I went to the bank on Monday and opened an account and gave the information to my boss. Now remember I opened the account on MONDAY, right?
On Tuesday, we (the managers and several other people from the main office) were scheduled to attend a seminar on, of all things, a customer loyalty program. I stress the word loyalty.
Minutes before the seminar was to start my boss pulls me aside and tells me that the owner of the company told her on MONDAY afternoon that he wanted the change jars taken down. Didn't want anything to do with it. Not sure why still do not have any answer to that but have stopped asking why about most things.
I was stunned. I mean why say yes then no. Why decide no the very day that I waste my precious time opening the account. Why not say no from the start. Oh yeah, that is right I have stopped asking why, right?
Keeping right in line with Alanis Morrisette (sorry if i did not spell that right) the truly ironic part of this is that I am scheduled for Wednesday and Thursday to do a new employee training class. Even as I type that the irony just about knocks me on the floor.
Since today is Thursday, it is obvious that I have completed one day of the class. Let me tell you what I know at this point.
In doing the class I realized that I truly like the job that I do. I like my employees. I like the customers. I like most of the vendors. I like what I do. There is such diversity to the job that it keeps me challenged.
I had already decided that my goal for the store is to get it fully staffed, fully trained and to get the 2 people fully trained who will take over the management of the store when I leave. Those goals despite the events of earlier this week remain in place.
Anyway this is where I am at today. One step ..... one day ...... then repeat.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
It has been about a month since I posted last but that does not mean things have not been humming along. Since the last post I have been diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. Four giant words and a relatively small number that have changed my life irrevocably.
To date, I have had 2 rounds of chemo and several tests confirming the diagnosis. There is neat little contraption called a "port" that was surgically implanted in my right chest. This little piece of equipment is used to deliver the chemo. It saves wear and tear on the veins and delivers the chemo to the best vein. The biggest baddest vein in all the land I guess.
Only having had the 2 treatments, I have only had mild discomfort with the side effects. The first week I kind of messed up the medication that was prescribed for nausea so we can not really blame that on the deadly chemicals they have shot into me.
The physical part of this is pretty much cut and dried. You have a disease. We have medicine. The medicine is designed to kill the disease.
The mental part of this is pretty much not cut and dried. It is like someone sets off a "flash bang" in your head. Everything is just scattered to the four winds and that is when you see how much "stuff" you have in your little brain. Pulling all that information back together to become a functioning human being is quite the challenge.
I do it slowly. I can only process so much information on any given day. Once the processor is overloaded....I just shut it down to compile.
One step.....one day.......then repeat.
For now, I have a reasonably good grip on things and am committed to blogging daily. So for now, is time to sign off until tomorrow.
To date, I have had 2 rounds of chemo and several tests confirming the diagnosis. There is neat little contraption called a "port" that was surgically implanted in my right chest. This little piece of equipment is used to deliver the chemo. It saves wear and tear on the veins and delivers the chemo to the best vein. The biggest baddest vein in all the land I guess.
Only having had the 2 treatments, I have only had mild discomfort with the side effects. The first week I kind of messed up the medication that was prescribed for nausea so we can not really blame that on the deadly chemicals they have shot into me.
The physical part of this is pretty much cut and dried. You have a disease. We have medicine. The medicine is designed to kill the disease.
The mental part of this is pretty much not cut and dried. It is like someone sets off a "flash bang" in your head. Everything is just scattered to the four winds and that is when you see how much "stuff" you have in your little brain. Pulling all that information back together to become a functioning human being is quite the challenge.
I do it slowly. I can only process so much information on any given day. Once the processor is overloaded....I just shut it down to compile.
One step.....one day.......then repeat.
For now, I have a reasonably good grip on things and am committed to blogging daily. So for now, is time to sign off until tomorrow.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
August 28, 2011
August 17, 2011 is the day that changed my life forever. I went in for the first mammogram of my life. I had told no one about the problems that I was experiencing other than the medical professionals. My family did not know nor did my co-workers or friends. I figured why worry anyone until I was sure of the problem. I did tell one person prior to the test and was told "good luck with that I hear they hurt like hell". A lot of the humor in this situation I fear may be lost on those of you who have never met me. Humor is and has been my rock. I can generally see the humor in every situation. Maybe not right as things are happening but always in hindsight. Ya gotta laugh.
So the mammography lady/tech comes into the room and says "so you are having a problem with your left breast? What kind of problem?" and I say "Yeah you wanna see it?" Her response is "sure I will need to anyway" So I open my snazzy hospital gown and she says, "OH MY GOD" to which I quickly interject "Yeah don't do that" Cause now I am on the verge of hysteria (fear or laughter not sure) because she is not supposed to do react like this, right?......remember the "medical professional face freeze"? Yeah no face freezing here. She did ask if it hurt (cause in all honesty it looked like it should hurt) but it did not. I had never felt any pain.
So we do the mammogram and I can see there is a problem with my left breast (like I did not know that already). They took me from the mammogrammer machine to the ultrasound machine and then (enter stage left) the Radiologist doctor person comes in. He tells me that there was an area on the mammo and ultrasound that is "highly suspicious" and by highly suspicious he meant 90% sure it was cancer.
This man while delivering this rather frightening news blessed me with the first of what I think will be many nuggets of wisdom. He told me that this was a stepped process and to take each step as it comes. If I find myself a step ahead then to get right back to the current step because until each step is completed the next is all unknown. He said that worrying about things 4 steps down the road was a waste of time and energy. So I stay in the moment. Where we are is where we are.
The next step in this particular process as he explained it to me was to call my primary physician and discuss the results of the mammogram and ultrasound and then get me set up with a surgeon.
By the time I drove from the mammography place home there was already a message on my phone telling me that they had set up an appointment for the following Monday with the surgeon. Now, I am all about the moment but I also knew I needed processing time. So I called the doctor and told them that Monday would not work for me. It is a bad day at work and well I just wasn't ready for this part yet.
So they gave me the phone number and told me to set up the appointment by the end of the following week. Impression: time is of the essence do it or die. This kind of freaked me out a little but what the heck. This thing has been with me for a year.....if it has not killed me yet.......yadda yadda yaddda.
The nurse gave me the phone number and told me to let them know when the appointment had re-scheduled.
Hung up from talking to her only to dial the phone number and get the the comforting sound of a fax machine talking to another fax machine. Now I am pretty clever but not yet clever enough to speak fax-ese. So I hung up.....tomorrow is another day and we will deal with it then.
Tune in tomorrow for: Will she schedule with the surgeon or run terrified into the night :)
So the mammography lady/tech comes into the room and says "so you are having a problem with your left breast? What kind of problem?" and I say "Yeah you wanna see it?" Her response is "sure I will need to anyway" So I open my snazzy hospital gown and she says, "OH MY GOD" to which I quickly interject "Yeah don't do that" Cause now I am on the verge of hysteria (fear or laughter not sure) because she is not supposed to do react like this, right?......remember the "medical professional face freeze"? Yeah no face freezing here. She did ask if it hurt (cause in all honesty it looked like it should hurt) but it did not. I had never felt any pain.
So we do the mammogram and I can see there is a problem with my left breast (like I did not know that already). They took me from the mammogrammer machine to the ultrasound machine and then (enter stage left) the Radiologist doctor person comes in. He tells me that there was an area on the mammo and ultrasound that is "highly suspicious" and by highly suspicious he meant 90% sure it was cancer.
This man while delivering this rather frightening news blessed me with the first of what I think will be many nuggets of wisdom. He told me that this was a stepped process and to take each step as it comes. If I find myself a step ahead then to get right back to the current step because until each step is completed the next is all unknown. He said that worrying about things 4 steps down the road was a waste of time and energy. So I stay in the moment. Where we are is where we are.
The next step in this particular process as he explained it to me was to call my primary physician and discuss the results of the mammogram and ultrasound and then get me set up with a surgeon.
By the time I drove from the mammography place home there was already a message on my phone telling me that they had set up an appointment for the following Monday with the surgeon. Now, I am all about the moment but I also knew I needed processing time. So I called the doctor and told them that Monday would not work for me. It is a bad day at work and well I just wasn't ready for this part yet.
So they gave me the phone number and told me to set up the appointment by the end of the following week. Impression: time is of the essence do it or die. This kind of freaked me out a little but what the heck. This thing has been with me for a year.....if it has not killed me yet.......yadda yadda yaddda.
The nurse gave me the phone number and told me to let them know when the appointment had re-scheduled.
Hung up from talking to her only to dial the phone number and get the the comforting sound of a fax machine talking to another fax machine. Now I am pretty clever but not yet clever enough to speak fax-ese. So I hung up.....tomorrow is another day and we will deal with it then.
Tune in tomorrow for: Will she schedule with the surgeon or run terrified into the night :)
Saturday, August 27, 2011
August 27, 2011
I do not want the first words that I share to be vulgar so all I can think of is holy cow. What do you mean I have breast cancer? I am in the early stages of this new life experience and do not know what is in store. At this point, I know that the doctors are 90 percent sure that I have cancer in my left breast. They biopsied the breast on Wednesday, August 24 and I go back August 31 for the results and the planned course of treatment.
To back up, let me tell you a little bit about myself. I am a 52 year old woman from America. I have been having problems with my left breast for about a year. I know I know. You ask yourself and me, "how in this day and age could you let it go on for a year?" Three simple words: fear, faith and hope.
I am not going to spend even one second beating myself up for that nor will I allow anyone else. It just is what it is. If you want to know the real frightening truth the only reason that I know this now is a fluke. I had a problem with my leg and HAD to go to the doctor to deal with that. I had no intention of asking about the breast. Toward the end of my visit, I got this little twinge in my psyche that took over my brain and mouth and asked the doctor if I could show him something else.
When I showed him my "something else" he asked "how long has this been like that?" When I told him about a year he did that "medical professional face freeze" where you know they are thinking "why the hell did you wait so long to do something about this" but what he said was that we would need to do a mammogram. I of course knew I was in trouble. Now we are back to fear faith and hope. Hope was dying, fear was taking over and well faith was carrying me on.
The initial appointment was being set for the next day. Yeah no none of that fast testing for me. I have a job and I cannot for a minute imagine taking more time off than the time for this appointment for my leg. So we scheduled the appointment for the following Wednesday.
That is another story for tomorrow. For today I just want to say welcome and I hope my experiences will help bring a better understanding to others and maybe help someone who is this position in the future or now gain strength or hope or faith from it.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)