August 28, 2011

August 17, 2011 is the day that changed my life forever.  I went in for the first mammogram of my life.  I had told no one about the problems that I was experiencing other than the medical professionals.  My family did not know nor did my co-workers or friends.  I figured why worry anyone until I was sure of the problem.  I did tell one person prior to the test and was told "good luck with that I hear they hurt like hell".  A lot of the humor in this situation I fear may be lost on those of you who have never met me.  Humor is and has been my rock.  I can generally see the humor in every situation.  Maybe not right as things are happening but always in hindsight.  Ya gotta laugh.

So the mammography lady/tech comes into the room and says "so you are having a problem with your left breast?  What kind of problem?" and I say "Yeah you wanna see it?"  Her response is "sure I will need to anyway"  So I open my snazzy hospital gown and she says, "OH MY GOD" to which I quickly interject "Yeah don't do that"  Cause now I am on the verge of hysteria (fear or laughter not sure) because she is not supposed to do react like this, right?......remember the "medical professional face freeze"?  Yeah no face freezing here.  She did ask if it hurt (cause in all honesty it looked like it should hurt) but it did not.  I had never felt any pain. 

So we do the mammogram and I can see there is a problem with my left breast (like I did not know that already).  They took me from the mammogrammer machine to the ultrasound machine and then (enter stage left) the Radiologist doctor person comes in.   He tells me that there was an area on the mammo and ultrasound that is "highly suspicious" and by highly suspicious he meant 90% sure it was cancer.

This man while delivering this rather frightening news blessed me with the first of what I think will be many nuggets of wisdom.  He told me that this was a stepped process and to take each step as it comes.   If I find myself a step ahead then to get right back to the current step because until each step is completed the next is all unknown.  He said that worrying about things 4 steps down the road was a waste of time and energy.  So I stay in the moment.  Where we are is where we are. 

The next step in this particular process as he explained it to me was to call my primary physician and discuss the results of the mammogram and ultrasound and then get me set up with a surgeon.

By the time I drove from the mammography place home there was already a message on my phone telling me that they had set up an appointment for the following Monday with the surgeon.  Now, I am all about the moment but I also knew I needed processing time.  So I called the doctor and told them that Monday would not work for me.  It is a bad day at work and well I just wasn't ready for this part yet.

So they gave me the phone number and told me to set up the appointment by the end of the following week.  Impression:  time is of the essence do it or die.  This kind of freaked me out a little but what the heck.  This thing has been with me for a year.....if it has not killed me yet.......yadda yadda yaddda.

The nurse gave me the phone number and told me to let them know when the appointment had re-scheduled. 

Hung up from talking to her only to dial the phone number and get the the comforting sound of a fax machine talking to another fax machine.  Now I am pretty clever but not yet clever enough to speak fax-ese.  So I hung up.....tomorrow is another day and we will deal with it then.

Tune in tomorrow for:  Will she schedule with the surgeon or run terrified into the night :)

August 27, 2011

I do not want the first words that I share to be vulgar so all I can think of is holy cow.  What do you mean I have breast cancer?  I am in the early stages of this new life experience and do not know what is in store.  At this point, I know that the doctors are 90 percent sure that I have cancer in my left breast.  They biopsied the breast on Wednesday, August 24 and I go back August 31 for the results and the planned course of treatment.

To back up, let me tell you a little bit about myself.  I am a 52 year old woman from America.  I have been having problems with my left breast for about a year.  I know I know.  You ask yourself and me, "how in this day and age could you let it go on for a year?"  Three simple words:  fear, faith and hope.   

I am not going to spend even one second beating myself up for that nor will I allow anyone else.  It just is what it is.  If you want to know the real frightening truth the only reason that I know this now is a fluke.  I had a problem with my leg and HAD to go to the doctor to deal with that.  I had no intention of asking about the breast. Toward the end of my visit, I got this little twinge in my psyche that took over my brain and mouth and asked the doctor if I could show him something else.  

When I showed him my "something else" he asked "how long has this been like that?" When I told him about a year he did that "medical professional face freeze" where you know they are thinking "why the hell did you wait so long to do something about this" but what he said was that we would need to do a mammogram.  I of course knew I was in trouble.  Now we are back to fear faith and hope.  Hope was dying, fear was taking over and well faith was carrying me on.

The initial appointment was being set for the next day.  Yeah no none of that fast testing for me.  I have a job and I cannot for a minute imagine taking more time off than the time for this appointment for my leg.  So we scheduled the appointment for the following Wednesday. 

That is another story for tomorrow.  For today I just want to say welcome and I hope my experiences will help bring a better understanding to others and maybe help someone who is this position in the future or now gain strength or hope or faith from it.